Getting Sticky With: Vashtie Kola

Words by Anamaria Glavan

Photos by Edwin Ortiz

“Why can’t I have fun too?” It’s a question moms ask themselves when they’re at the playground or yet another museum with their children, schlepping along for the ride while the kids have all the fun. That’s something that Vashtie Kola wants to change. 

The DJ, director, and mom of two is behind A Parently Kidding, a daytime party designed to create a meaningful, exciting event where parents and kids can enjoy themselves equally—because the best bonding experiences happen in mutual joy, when everyone is genuinely having fun. 

But this party isn’t just about fun. It’s about intention. Intention is everything to Vashtie. Below, she speaks candidly about the generational trauma she experienced growing up and how her strained family relationships have molded and shaped her own parenting toolkit. 

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Let’s not call it a tantrum  

I’ve spent the majority of the past 15 years of my life in therapy working on myself and breaking generational curses—that includes unlearning certain cultural traditions we mistake for our own. Growing up, a “tantrum” was a time for punishment but over the years of growing as a Mom I’ve learned that a young child having a “tantrum” is usually them struggling to verbalize their needs. In moments of frustration while parenting, I try to stay present and ask myself “why am I feeling this way” or “why do I want to respond this way”. I often realize the need to diffuse, shut down or reprimand a moment is my own inability to manage my feelings. The deeper thought of that is where does it come from? While I know it has been handed down to me from my parents - I assume that its inception also comes from colonialism and having to “act proper”. Anyways, it’s easier said than done with lack of sleep, hunger, etc, I know, but it’s a work in progress. I think the most important part is understanding and trying to improve. 

I spent the first year taking care of my first and then realized quickly I needed support if I was going to continue working. I didn’t grow up with a nanny or babysitter, so while it was new territory for me - I understand that it was a privilege to hire help. We ended up finding an incredible nanny (Hannah) who has cared for all kinds of families, studied child development, and is both loving and kind but also energetic and playful.

Birth order 

Both my parents are from Trinidad, though Trinidad itself isn’t necessarily a single ethnicity. The island’s indigenous people were largely wiped out by the European Colonizers, and its population became a mix of African slaves, indentured Indian servants, Chinese immigrants, Europeans. So while my parents are from Trinidad, my ethnicity is Indian and African. I was born in Albany, in upstate New York.

I am the youngest of three. My brother and sister are eight and nine years older than me and they constantly teased me as a kid that I was a mistake. I felt more like everyone’s baby, not their younger sibling, because my brother and sister also took care of me.

My dad was a car mechanic and my mom had random jobs before getting her GED and working at a nursing home. My parents had limited education, they were both one of  many kids and they themselves had a strained upbringing. While I grew up working class/blue collar, my parents grew up as working poor. They came to America for a better way of life and although they were limited in how to emotionally pour into me, they worked extremely hard to give me and my siblings a better way of life.

Art as escapism  

I didn’t have a typical childhood. I didn’t exactly watch Disney growing up. My brother and sister would never allow me to sit and watch Cinderella or whatever. It was always grown-up things, meaning I was watching whatever they were watching. My brother was gay and into house music and voguing and things like that; my sister was into bands like Depeche Mode and The Cure. That exposed me to all of their worlds, which I was obsessed with. As a kid, art and culture was a huge deal for me. For me, art became a real way for me to express myself and feel comfort. 

I have fond memories of my childhood, but also complicated ones as I experienced domestic abuse for the majority of my youth. Because I was the youngest, I wasn't as much of a victim to it, but I did witness it a lot. Art became escapism. I would literally daydream all the time about not being there. And I'm sure there's psychological terms for what that is (disassociating maybe), but ultimately it was a way for me to survive. Art became a way for me to make sense of what was going on around me.

As I became an adult, I had to really work through my trauma on my own. My family and I love each other and care about each other, but we aren’t as close as other families might be. We haven’t worked through the trauma or addressed the situation, but we silently have been doing the best we can (I believe).

I’m sure for a lot of abuse survivors they understand that duality of having experienced the pain but also the happiness. For some of us, our memories - while horrifying and painful also hold joy.

The necessity of an emotional toolkit 

I've accepted it for what it is. We keep a cordial relationship. There's no negativity. I'm not sitting here fuming and angry and hurt and upset. I mean, I definitely still have emotions that linger from when I was a kid. But I'm able to hold relationships with my family and be present and understand there are lessons in all of this. That's the bigger picture for me. And over the years, I’ve gone through so many forms of therapy, and I was able to address my own trauma. You're never going to necessarily come out of therapy and be perfect. It's really just equipping yourself with the tools to ask yourself, Why are you upset? Why does that trigger you?

As a parent, I'm building this toolkit. I've been able to acquire the skills of listening and paying attention to my own feelings. I know it's easier said than done, because when you're in the moment of big emotions or being under-slept and all of the things, it's harder to do all of that. But I think in that same way, I'm able to also appreciate what my parents have done for me.

I understand that—and hear me out when I say this—being a parent with limited funds, limited resources, limited sleep, all of these things, makes it really challenging. And I understand how people can snap. I totally understand it, and I totally see it. But at the same time, as a parent, I'm also like: if I can do better, everyone else can do better. You can look around and say, Okay, that maybe wasn't my best self, or maybe I should learn how to apologize to my child because I would have appreciated that as a kid. Asking yourself, Would I want someone to talk to me like this? 

“I never really thought about it” 

Growing up, I thought about it, but I never really thought about it. Marriage, kids... if I was in a relationship, sure, it crossed my mind, but it was never this big goal or dream of mine the way it is for some people. Having a strained relationship with family made me open to the idea, but not necessarily committed to it.

But with my husband, it was different. Sometimes, it really just takes the right person—being at the right place in your life where it all clicks, and you realize, This makes sense. This is what I want. When it came to having kids, I didn’t have a real approach. I’m a planner and like to be ahead of everything at all times. But with children, I didn’t think about it in that way.

The 9 to 5

I just kind of assumed work would stay the same. Then came my first. That year was an adjustment, but also, we had her during COVID. Everything was shut down, so work wasn’t even on my mind. The whole world felt uncertain, and I was just trying to figure things out as they came. I was pregnant throughout 2020 until October so that entire year was just waiting. Once she was born, I still felt like my approach to work was the same. But now, with my second? No, everything has to change. 

My approach to work was always do the most, give the most. I think a lot of that comes from working with people who are fully committed and put their best work forward, and that has always inspired me to do the same. But now, with two kids, I’m realizing just how much my relationship with work is evolving.

Bus, club, another club, nap time

As moms, there’s more demand for us naturally, even with the best partner. Maybe it depends, but in my situation, my kids want me. Fathers can kind of get away with more. Nightlife is tough on parents; your night is gone, and the next day is spent recovering, which can impact your ability to be present as a parent.

Part of the inspiration for our daytime dance parties was doing something during the day where we could bring in mom DJs. When I started DJing, I didn’t see many women DJs who were also parents because (I assume) at some point in their trajectory, they had to decide, Am I going to be a mom? I can't necessarily be both and do both at the same time. I'm not saying that that's what happened to all female DJs who transitioned into motherhood, but I want to highlight Mom DJ’s and open an opportunity for them to continue working.

The party works in 2 time slots to work around most nap schedules. 11am to 1pm is Wave 1. We break and reset from 1-1:30 and then from 1:30 -3:30 is Wave 2. We have a staff of helpers to get you checked in and get your stroller parked. We have party supplies for the kids: mini tambourines, bubble guns, things they can play with. 

Why can’t I have fun too? 

Your social life goes away. There's never a shortage of things you can do with your kid. You can take them to the playground. You can take them to a museum. All the things. But often times, I'm not having fun, and you would never ask yourself as a parent, Am I enjoying this? Why am I not having fun? But, why can't I have fun too? 

And what me and my husband have noticed is that the greatest experiences with our kids is when we're all laughing at the same thing, dancing to the same song and experiencing joy at the same time as opposed to just watching our kids have fun. Our kids look at us, too, and they want to know that we're having fun. That's how you really connect.  We’re all looking for meaningful ways to connect with our children, and so that's how the party concept was born. I wanted to bring all of those aspects together, where it's something for parents and kids to experience as equals. 

I have this memory as a kid, where I just wanted my mom to play with me so badly and she never did.  And I look back on it now: she had three kids, my parents were both working 40+ hours a week - I can imagine she didn’t have the energy. But I do have this really special memory of her playing with me once for about ten minutes and I was like, This is the best feeling. She was laughing with me and I could feel that she connected with me in those short minutes. Your kids can see the difference between you just going through the motions playing with blocks, or if you’re really having fun. 

Mom brain = an excess of new information to retain 

The patriarchy has erased our connection to ourselves, our bodies, our birthing experience, our community, what we do, what we provide, and minimized it. Womanhood, birthing, breastfeeding, even menopause - all of it. The media and our culture completely diminishes what mothers do and are capable of and we ourselves have sadly believed it. We are constantly undermined.  Becoming a mom was so revolutionary for me and it helped me realize what powerful and magical creatures we all are. We literally create life and birth it. But also women in general, moms or not. We are so special and divine, it’s no wonder they have been trying to suppress us and continue to do so. If we all knew our full potential and embraced our power, we wouldn’t let anyone hold us down. Which is why it’s so important that we really connect with ourselves, learn our history and build back that community (much like Spread The Jelly is doing!).

I was just thinking about mom brain because I met someone the other day and I could not remember their name after they told it to me twice. But then I'm sitting here also knowing that we have a pediatrician appointment, what I should get my kids best friend for their birthday party, what the deadline is for applying to kindergarten, etc. There's so much more information that you're retaining constantly: not to say that remembering someone's name isn't as important, but there are certain things that just will fall out of the way because you're focused on bigger picture things. I have so much more empathy for my mom now. Even now, just walking past moms, I'm constantly like, do you need help?  

The more that we do the party, the more I’m thinking of ways to help parents feel supported, because being a parent is challenging on every level no matter who you are. 

Elimination communication 

Prior to having kids, I had a very specific vision of how I would be as a parent. One of the things that I learned prior to having kids was about elimination communication, which is essentially potty training at birth. It was something I had to try, for many reasons - but mostly for holistic and sustainable reasons

If you do some digging, you’ll find that many decades ago diaper companies convinced us that we need to put our babies in diapers and for longer than normal because it boosted their sales. It’s something that became our “norm” so we just assume that to be the way things are. But, many cultures around the world don't use diapers at all. One, because their culture has preserved knowing the cues of babies (elimination communication), but also because diapers aren’t a thing in their culture. Babies/Humans are  much like other animals, we naturally don't want mess on ourselves and we have the capability from birth to “hold” our waste (even as a newborn). But young children just don’t have the ability to stop it, once it starts.  There's a woman who's really fascinating named Andrea Olson, she's written books on this and has successfully potty trained her many kids from birth. One of her techniques is having supervised diaper free time to watch for the cues of your child or giving them a “potty-tunity” when you change their diaper, which is the opportunity to sit on a potty. It sounds weird, but just think about how all of our indigenous people managed the waste of babies without diapers. 

Not another movie trope 

Even through pregnancy, there's no preparation for women (or birthing people). Our culture has convinced us that labor is what happens in a movie where you're screaming at the top of your lungs. We are so removed from the experience of what our bodies can do, what we're capable of, fearful and weak. We're taught that the pain and all of it is problematic and it's a reason to be concerned. 

It took me years before I was able to talk about my first daughter's birth without getting emotional. During my second pregnancy, I was concerned about feeling safe, especially as a woman of color.  And when I went into labor and I was at the hospital,  the only person available from the practice I was birthing with (Oula, a Midwife/OB led practice) was a doctor who I had never met before.

I think most people involved in childbirth from a holistic perspective understand that you can't physically open up if you're in a strange room, surrounded by strangers. Birth is animalistic, right? You need to feel safe for your body to open up on its own. I truly believe it. But here was this doctor in the room that I didn’t know. And I thought, Who is this? I immediately knew I was closed off because she was there.

I kept saying out loud, Tell me I'm safe. Tell me I'm safe. I needed reassurance and my doula and husband were doing their absolute best. I needed to hear it, but at some point—because she was just standing there, allowing me to labor on my own with my doula — I asked her, Can you touch me? I knew my body wasn’t opening, making my labor longer because I didn't feel connected to her. I knew that if she touched me, I might feel more relief. She started fanning me and massaging me, and it made all the difference. From there my body naturally transitioned and I eventually had the urge to push. Shortly after my baby came. 

TV can teach us about life, actually 

We were talking about the newest episode of White Lotus and there’s a mom on that show who seems narcissistic. Emil (my husband) comes from a very healthy home life and was like, Wow, I hope her kids can see how toxic she is. But the sad part is, most kids will never recognize when their parents have a psychological disorder. You want their love so badly that even if a friend or partner tries to point it out, accepting that reality is nearly impossible for most people. As someone who now understands my own parents’ limitations, I see kids who have complicated parents who haven’t yet gone deep enough into their trauma to recognize the problem and they’re stuck in that middle ground just worshipping their parents or making excuses for it.

It’s funny because when you’ve gone through trauma and have that baggage, and you’re with someone who hasn’t, you’re like, what is this? In the past, I would have felt conflicted about my husband having close ties with his family because I didn’t have that myself, because I just wouldn’t have understood it. But at this point, I’m so happy he has that. And I’m lucky and happy to have in-laws who genuinely love and care about me. 

And now as a parent, that is what I want. I want my kid to want to call me all the time, to be there for them in a healthy way. I want to help guide them in every step of this wild world.