The Good Girl Reckoning

Words by Mica Keeney

There I was: three months postpartum and still running at the high frequency that had kept me thriving (or surviving) in New York for the past decade.

Co-writing texts for a friend’s situationship, FedExing skincare to a friend in Europe, creating a Costa Rica itinerary for a friend of a friend, helping clients with out-of-scope requests, apologizing to everyone for not responding sooner, all while simultaneously rocking my baby and the pump yanking on my boobs.

To anyone who's been there, you’ll be familiar with the way that new motherhood quickly layers on an endless to-do list. Yet, here I was, trying to make all these things happen despite having significantly less time. 

While I was struggling with how to prioritize, afraid of who I might disappoint, I agreed to a double date with my girlfriend so that my husband and I could meet (grill and vet) her new beau. Knowing the New York dating scene all too well, I already had a hunch that this guy was not right. Plus, I was somehow on the hook for making a dinner reservation that would impress him—no easy feat for primetime Friday in Manhattan. 

On top of that, none of my clothes fit me, my skin was a mess, and I'd have to spend a good chunk of time in the bathroom pumping. The New York spots that always seemed so perfect now made me feel like an alien. There was also the $200 fee for a babysitter and their Uber ride home. 

Regardless, we went. The thought of letting someone down made me sweat. Unfortunately, it turned out the guy wasn’t right and it was over by the very next morning. Meanwhile, here I was hungover, feeling guilty and struggling to look after my daughter. That’s the day I came across the idea of the Good Girl: someone who meets expectations without question, suppresses her true feelings to keep the peace, and says yes to a fault. 

The concept got me thinking: Where in my life am I being agreeable, polite, and obedient? How have I been compromising myself to fit the Good Girl mold? And now that I’m a mom, how is this becoming even more exacerbated?

Enter my Good Girl reckoning. Facing the ingrained conditioning. Making the shift. Putting myself and my child first, even when it feels uncomfortable. On top of the many middle of the night wakeups, I was having another wake up call: trying to please everyone is unsustainable when raising a baby.

And I won’t pretend that changing my ways has been easy—it does not come naturally to me. I enjoy doing things for others and being useful. I always strive to be selfless, which I previously thought to be at odds with setting boundaries. To me, it felt awkward to cancel a group lunch because my baby hasn't napped or to tell an old co-worker looking for mentorship that I needed a few months. I felt intense guilt about letting people down.

But the more I’ve reigned in my reflex to say yes, the more I’ve been pleasantly surprised—(most) people respect my boundaries without hesitation. Turns out, saying no doesn’t make me the mean, unlikeable villain. It just means valuing my time and my family’s needs.

A friend from London asked me to check out three different apartments in New York, and I forced myself to pause. Do I really need to schlep my baby around in the freezing winter when someone else could do it, or a FaceTime would work just as well? I’m also making a conscious effort to dismantle my instinct to apologize, swapping “I’m so sorry I can’t” for “Thank you for understanding.” 

And each small step has brought a new sense of freedom. Giving myself space and breaking free from the guilt trap has made me wonder if being the “Good Girl” held me back from fully embracing my true essence; if I have been shrinking or limiting myself by the need to please others all this time. 

For me, motherhood has become a catalyst for stepping into the colorful, bold, authentic version of myself—and for showing my daughter what it means to live fully and truthfully. 

Now I catch myself pausing to reflect when I tell her that she’s a “good girl.” As podcast host Jen Morel puts it, “What message did it send to my daughter telling her she was good when she did something that I considered compliant or smart or whatever it may be. Does it mean that if she is not those things she will believe it to be bad or unacceptable?” My role is not to mold my daughter into a ‘Good Girl’—it’s to instill confidence in her own voice, choices, and worth.

So here’s to re-evaluating the Good Girl and living the messy, the wild, and the real. Or perhaps just take a leaf out of artist Phae Peer’s book: “You’re still going to get criticized. So may as well do, whatever the fuck you want.”

Mica Keeney is a brand consultant and founder of Keeney and Co, living in New York by way of London with her husband and baby girl, Maélie. She writes Motherhood Muses, a Substack newsletter offering inspiration for the journey of motherhood: Think chicken soup for “mommy brain.” A space to move beyond the how-tos of being a parent and into the heart of it all, where the focus shifts from your baby to you with a mix of musings, reflections and community contributions. Alongside time with friends and family, Mica finds joy in music, DJing, sound healing, and any kind of puzzle. Read the Substack here, check out her Keeney and Co work here, or follow on Instagram here.