My Jelly: Caroline Vreeland

Caroline Vreeland built a personal brand off her ability to make everything she does feel larger than life, from crooning the blues to eating a plate of spaghetti. She brings that same joie de vivre to motherhood, making domestic life in Montreal with husband and two sons (Miro, 3 and Otto, 10-months) seem anything but boring. In fact, she’s unlocked a whole new side of her sexuality since becoming a mom and translates her newfound confidence and sense of femininity into a flourishing career on Only Fans. “What can I say? Mommy likes to be sexy,” she teases, appreciating the contrast of discussing sexy shoots while wearing a nursing bra and track pants, gently breastfeeding baby Otto as we chat over Zoom.

Coming from a long legacy of sisters and women, Caroline always thought she’d have girls but feels meant to be a boy mom. Together with her husband she’s raising her sons hands on (they don’t have a nanny) striving for an honest, educated environment that shakes the stigmas of sexuality and motherhood. “These titties are putting them through college,” she laughs. Despite the successes her iconic breasts have brought, she reveals how her relationship with them has been put to the test since becoming a mom. From struggling to breastfeed her firstborn to reflections on her own upbringing, read on as Caroline opens up about the highs and lows of early motherhood.

Zero FOMO

I always knew I wanted a family. Growing up in L.A. in my twenties, I had certain girlfriends who were very focused on who they’d end up with, but I never had that mentality.  I just kind of trusted myself to learn my lessons, often through various toxic relationships. So while I knew that I was going to be a mom eventually, I wasn't putting the pressure on myself to find someone to make babies with. When I met the love of my life, it was just obvious. I just knew this is the next step. We got married a year to the day that we met, and we were pregnant right after that. We only were together a year before we got married so I’m still learning about him, which I love. We might not always see eye to eye, but we're going to go through it together and we learn from each other.  I just always knew when I found the right person it would unfold for me—I really believed in myself in that way. I often chalk it up to luck, but then I'm like, no - I needed to be on the hoe trips, doing my work, doing all the things I wanted.  Now I live in fucking Canada, babe—I'm buying a cottage in Quebec!  I never thought I would do these things, but turns out I needed to do all those other things in order to be like, okay bye, you all have fun at Coachella, I’m in Quebec. I have zero FOMO - I’m just glad I said yes to everything when I did.

The three of us against the world (Daddy issues can’t hold me down)?

Growing up my mom, sister, and I were like the three amigos. We were like Gilmore Girls. My dad wasn't around. Of course I had daddy issues, but I didn’t necessarily feel like anything was missing. I reveled in the freedom of our own little world. In retrospect, I was more best friends with my little tribe as opposed to having strict guidelines in place. I see now that maybe I needed a bit more structure, a bit more discipline, maybe more boundaries. I see how that manifests in my life today. Thankfully, my husband has those qualities, so I’m learning. Only now, with the experience of having the most supportive partner on Earth,  do I really look back at my own upbringing. It just makes me emotional thinking about my mom and how much she sacrificed and her devotion to us. She saw a bad situation, and she took us out of there at a huge cost. That’s just so mind blowing. I still have my career, the things that I love to do, and  the freedom to balance it all. Meanwhile, she chose us over everything and brought us from Germany to  Northern California. It was us three against the world. Whenever I ask her, how the fuck did you leave? Her answer is always the same: She just liked being a mom. She didn't take it as a stressor. I think about that because my friends will say, wow, it seems so easy for you. I'm like, it's not easy, but I like it. I think some people like it and some people don't.

Big boobs but no milk

Breastfeeding was so painful for me the first time. You feel so invincible after giving birth, so it’s crazy that something could then be that painful, but it was truly the hardest thing for me. And it was demeaning too, because here are these big titties that are literally putting food in our mouths but then they aren’t doing the thing that they're meant to do. It was a big hit to me psychologically. It’s hard to see clearly in the eye of the storm like that. And my milk didn’t come in for five days. We did formula, and I had this irrational mindset of thinking it’s poison. He's going to die. Of course now I realize that anything that works for someone is fine, but I was just hung up on it. My husband was like, I respect that you want him to only have breast milk, but you don't have any right now. I was in such a dark place. I don't know why, but I thought we were losing the race. That we were behind. It wasn’t even a feeling of competition with other parents, it was me -  totally fixated. It sounds so simple, but it felt so life-threatening to me.

Once my milk was in, I tried to latch him several times a day through extreme pain. Finally I made the decision to exclusively pump and stop trying to latch him. It was such a relief. I posted about it on Instagram and got so much support. The thing is, I don’t really want to sugarcoat motherhood. Yes, I love a fucking glam moment. Yes, I want to be literally swinging from the chandelier at Versailles at all times. But, it’s also okay to talk about the real shit. That’s why platforms like this are essential because even me, who's someone who's very open about stuff, there was just so much I had never heard about simply because no one ever told me.

Only Fans…  3 centimeters dilated

I loved being pregnant. It’s really the height of femininity for me. I felt so powerful and really safe. When I was pregnant with my first I had just started on Only Fans, and I was like, okay, how's this going to go? As it turned out, much further than I could have thought. I don't know if the pregnancy thing is just a fetish or what, but I think it also speaks to the fact that I felt my sexiest and it came across. I was lucky to be embraced in that way. I mean I did a sexy shoot 3 centimeters dilated.

I really enjoy it. I'm not one of those people that's like my career is the be all and end all. Being a mom to me is my number one priority, but also having my own income is vital. I don't want to be on anyone's tab—that’s just really important to me. I dated all kinds of crazy people in L.A., and I could have had that life. It wasn't interesting to me. I really wanted to have my own thing. One thing I respect so much about  my husband is that he built what he built from the ground up. He works his ass off. That's so hot to me. We get to be this powerhouse together. 

These tits bought your cottage

I’ve obviously thought about what my boys will think and say. Like when they go to school and their friends are like, we saw your mom's tits online. And then, of course, I'm going to be like, well, these tits bought your cottage. I've thought about it a lot, and I think they're going to respect me. They're going to see how much their dad respects me, too, which is important. Their dad's involved in art, and we have beautiful art around the house that shows the nude form, which will hopefully make it less taboo. I obviously can’t know how or what they're going to feel, but I think as long as we talk openly about it, that’s what’s important.  

The fact is that I'm making the best money of my life, and I only work once a week. I'm with the kids constantly. To me, all of that is so worth it. I am striving to set up a safe, educated environment in which they're not going to feel not blindsided by anything. It's honestly pretty crazy to think about. They're these two little boys, and mommy's sexy. You know what I mean? When doubt creeps in I  talk to my husband about it, and he's like, are you crazy? This is so badass. You are that woman. Those are real parts of you. He stands behind me 100 percent and reminds me I can monetize my sexual side but also sing lullabies to my children—I can be all of these things. And why worry about the jobs I don't have or comments nobody has made when money is flowing? And when I tell you the money’s flowing, babe, it’s fucking flowing.

Let’s have a cigarette and a martini

We don't have a nanny. We do have daycare, which is super affordable in Canada. Miro started at 18 months, and Otto will start at 10 months because I'm going to go back to fashion week for two weeks in September.  I don't know if I'll keep him in when I get back, but we really appreciate the flexibility of the option. Nico’s mom and sister help a lot too. We are lucky because we have support, and I  have this rare situation where I can work one or two days a week and make great money. So I’m really able to be with my kids.  And when I do have to leave town for work, Nico steps up and watches both of them. He makes it work for me because he knows I'm here 90% of the time with the kids during the day. So with his support and my amazing work situation, we're able to do it without, and I'm really proud of that, though  sometimes I think I should maybe just accept more help. Mom guilt can be so random. I’m always surprised by when I have it and when I don’t. I surprised myself on my most recent trip because I didn't have it. I was like, let's have one cigarette and a martini. Love a pump and dump. I'm realizing more and more that I need to have a balance. I need to make time for myself and accept that. But then the guilt finds ways to  manifest in crazy ways.

The sisterhood of motherhood

I was basically the first of my friends to have kids, and I'm in Canada—I get that it’s far. But you watch your friends traveling all around the world going to certain parties and different events, and then you realize they haven't really made an effort to come and see you and meet your baby. And that hurt a little bit. But then when I've reconnected with certain friends I’ve thought to myself, okay, don't make it about you—just ask them how they're doing. People go through their own shit. I try not to take it personally, but absolutely having kids changed my relationships. The lifestyle is so different. Of course we have our past and we'll always have a closeness, but in a weird way I'm way closer with my neighbor here who has kids. And that’s really special. Motherhood gives you such a feeling of comradery with women that you might not have had anything in common with before. There’s a look you give the mom with the stroller who's crossing your path. It's fun to have that. 

Not in my wildest dreams

When Nico and I met, we were a little crazy. We call it our seduction phase. Just wild and traveling and partying  with a total disregard for anything besides each other. The love was overwhelming. We said yes to everything. Of course we still had aspects of that, but now our lifestyle is so different. But it’s also really fun. When we want to have a wild night, we have to really plan for it, and I think that's a good boundary for me. I never had structure in that way. I was like, oh, it's a job in China and  I need to go on a plane tomorrow morning. Perfect. I’ll stay up all night and sleep on the plane. I was fine making up my sleep in a car or on a plane. And that was fun. But now I really crave stability and roots—these kids are basically rehab in that way. Thank God for them. I’m really here for it. This sounds so fucking nuts, but I like when Otto wakes me up at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning and needs to feed. I like being there and having the flexibility  to be more mindful about everything. I'm finally a grownup a little bit. Would I ever think I was  going to move to Canada and buy a country house in a French speaking part of Quebec and have two boys? Not in my wildest dreams.

Words: Anna Deutsch

Photography: Garrett Naccarato